2086 funny me quotes - Page 32 - Wordgag

Please be delicate with me, I’m built like a Nature Valley bar.

May 23, 2026

Surely, this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson.

May 23, 2026

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

May 23, 2026

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

May 23, 2026

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

May 23, 2026

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

May 23, 2026

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it.

May 23, 2026

To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time.

May 23, 2026

Dear God, thank you for the job I have. But if you have a lottery win planned for me, I’m ready! Thank you.

May 23, 2026

The only traditional costume people around me wear is sweatpants.

May 23, 2026

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “Ughhh, make me longer!”

May 23, 2026

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

May 23, 2026

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

May 23, 2026

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

May 23, 2026

Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”

May 23, 2026

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

May 23, 2026

“Seize the day!” No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

May 23, 2026

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

May 23, 2026

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

May 23, 2026

I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

May 23, 2026

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices inside me. One says: “Eat it!”. The other says: “Did you hear that? You’re supposed to eat it!”

May 23, 2026

Ninety percent of my new follows are beautiful women, which tells me one thing: I’ve still got it!

May 23, 2026

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

May 23, 2026

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.

May 23, 2026

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

May 23, 2026

They’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo.

May 23, 2026

Seeing an animal sigh is so funny to me. Like, what happened, buddy?

May 23, 2026

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

May 23, 2026

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles. God: You just have to empty the dishwasher.

May 23, 2026

I love when men go on diets they will be like “let me go for the healthy option”: the buffalo chicken quesadilla.

May 23, 2026

Thaw me like one of your french fries!

May 23, 2026

Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

May 23, 2026

Because it is Friday, I will allow one beautiful woman to invite me for drinks.

May 23, 2026

“The only thing standing between you and your dreams is you!” Yeah, have you met me? That’s gonna be a problem.

May 23, 2026

“How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

May 23, 2026

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

May 23, 2026

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

May 23, 2026

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

May 23, 2026

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

May 23, 2026

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

May 23, 2026