2086 funny me quotes - Page 34 - Wordgag

Has anybody else completely lost it or is it just me and Kanye?

May 23, 2026

My motivation and me: It’s complicated.

May 23, 2026

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

May 23, 2026

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

May 23, 2026

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

May 23, 2026

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

May 23, 2026

November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

May 23, 2026

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach.

May 23, 2026

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

May 23, 2026

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. What if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders?

May 23, 2026

If you live in the same hemisphere as me, you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

May 23, 2026

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

May 23, 2026

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

May 23, 2026

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

May 23, 2026

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

May 23, 2026

Hey babe, wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

May 23, 2026

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

May 23, 2026

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question.

May 23, 2026

Normalize saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

May 23, 2026

Whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage I’m like “yeah, me know”.

May 23, 2026

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

May 23, 2026

“My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.” -Me, flirting.

May 23, 2026

Every time someone tries to fight with me online, a middle finger gets its wings.

May 23, 2026

I’m seriously considering adoption. Who wants me?

May 23, 2026

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something, please let me know.

May 23, 2026

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice.

May 23, 2026

Trust me; this is the second millennium I’ve lived in.

May 23, 2026

Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

May 23, 2026

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”.

May 23, 2026

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Oh, it’s ok, you can just kill me next time.

May 23, 2026

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

May 23, 2026

Vote for me and I’ll remove all the calories from cheese.

May 23, 2026

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

May 23, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

May 23, 2026

Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

May 23, 2026

The sexual tension between me and vanishing without context is insane.

May 23, 2026

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

May 23, 2026

At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

May 23, 2026

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work.

May 23, 2026

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

May 23, 2026