Start every phone call with "My battery is at 5%" so you can hang up whenever you want.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Commentary:
"Imagine the power move of casually dropping 'My battery is at 5%' at the start of every call 📱⚡ Nobody would dare keep you on the line for too long! 😂 #PhoneCallGameStrong"

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it's a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

Commentary:
"Having an easy first child is like nature's sneaky way of luring you into a false sense of parenting confidence 😏👶 But fear not, the second child is here to keep you on your toes with their endless energy and mysterious ability to function without sleep! 😅💤 #ParentingPlotTwist"

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

Commentary:
Looks like the magician's trick backfired – now he'll have to enjoy a splurge on his own dime! 💳😄 Remember, always read the fine print before using magic for financial gain! ✨

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Commentary:
"Who needs the gym when you can just dazzle the audience with some magic tricks? 🎩✨🔮 Also, if you ever need a shortcut to shedding those extra pounds, just grab a magician! 🎩🔪💫"

The trick is to be born in the right place and at the right time. If you mess that up, it gets tedious.

The trick is to be born in the right place and at the right time. If you mess that up, it gets tedious.

Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old secret to success: impeccable timing and a bit of luck! 🌟 Just remember, if you find yourself born at the wrong place or time, don't worry – you'll just have a few extra challenges to keep things interesting! 😉 #LifeIsAJourney"

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

Commentary:
"Get ready for some full-size servings of terrible wisdom this Halloween! 🎃🍫 Remember, sometimes bad advice can be the best treat of all! Just like those full-size candy bars, grab them quick while supplies last… or maybe not 😏🤪 #HalloweenHumor"

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Commentary:
"Looks like someone's mastered the art of fashion transformation 🪄👖 Who needs a wardrobe overhaul when you can just redefine 'recycling' your sweatpants 😅♻️ Keep the magic alive, fashion wizard! 🔮✨"

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Commentary:
"Watch closely, as I perform the disappearing act of a lifetime: making this first date magically transform into the last date! 🎩✨ Who knew dating could be a magic show? 🃏 #AbracadabraGoodbye"

And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Commentary:
"Watch in amazement as I magically transform into the illusion of competence! 🎩✨ Who needs real skills when you have the power of confidence and good intentions? 😂 #FakeItTillYouMakeIt"

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Commentary:
🎩✨ "Well, if pulling quarters out of ears isn't a job qualification, then maybe it's time to find a workplace with a better sense of magic and wonder! Who wouldn't want an office where pulling coins out of ears is considered a valuable skill? 🪄💼 #MagicIsTheSkillWeNeed"