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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

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Had the bed all to myself last night, so you know what that means… I slept in a slightly different spot, and now my neck feels weird.

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Humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays.

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Did it hurt when you forgot your headphones and couldn’t romanticize your walk home?

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To get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica.

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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero feels kinda stupid nowadays. Just launch a Patreon, my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio.

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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

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The way people who are really into each other look moments before kissing is so hot. It’s like seeing a glimpse of cannibalism.

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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

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Cats are probably like: Oh, I should follow you on Litterboxd.