Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

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The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours.

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Your pronouns should be get/help.

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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

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Don’t forget to look directly into the sun for at least 10 minutes per day because that’s where all the vitamins are.

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Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.

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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.