I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

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Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

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Can we get some A.I. to pick plastic out of the ocean, or do all the robots need to be poets?

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It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.

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Never trust a wet fart.

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It’s hard to sleep knowing that cake is in the fridge.

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Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

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People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”.