I still make time for all my favorite hobbies, like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

I see people my age out there climbing mountains and skydiving, and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

41 shares on Snapchat this month:

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles.

83 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I’m writing a parenting book called ‘Kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did’.

56 shares on Messenger this month:

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

98 shares on WeChat this month:

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse.

85 shares on Slack this month:

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

73 shares on Instagram this month:

I think Australians should have to go three rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

93 shares on Messenger this month:

Not to brag, but I boiled the right amount of pasta. Once. Five years ago.

74 shares on Reddit this month:

I just locked eyes with a spider. But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

26 shares on Twitch this month:

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa, you get a Jason Mimosa.