I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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Switching between brainrot and deep intellectual talks is a skill that only a few acquire.

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“Damn, you’re tight!” I whisper as I look at my monthly budget.

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Unfortunately, I am the first person in my family to do what they want.

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Is there anyone here old enough to remember when typing was a class in high school?

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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

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I wonder if this next thunderstorm is thinking of me, too.

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I received my electricity bill. I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

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Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

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If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets, you should really put up a sign.