I think I’ma end the year with a plot twist, everyone hold on tight.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

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Starting an OnlyFans, but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks.

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As a child, all I wanted was as to be a time traveller, like my grandson and his grandson before him.

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My workout is reading in bed until my arms hurt.

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I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

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White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies.

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I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

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If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. No one likes a braggart.

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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware.