I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.” I’m like, look, we had one night of drunken shopping, we are not in a relationship.

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Just asked this girl Hannah how she spells her name, and she just said, “Two of everything, darling.” Iconic!

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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

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Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

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Humans are the only species that would cut down trees, make paper out of them, and then write “Save the Trees” on it.

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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

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Being a little freak is my love language.

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That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy, waiting for the microwave to beep.

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What’s really missing is a day between Saturday and Sunday.