I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

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It’s amazing to think that a Penguin wrote all of those classic books.

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Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

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My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

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This meeting could have been a cake.

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Whatever happened calorically this weekend can never happen again.

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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.

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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

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Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

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“You look happy.” Thanks, I stopped dating.