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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇬🇭 has copied:

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has viewed:

Most earthquakes could have been an email.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has downloaded:

I bet the guy who named the sperm whale wasn’t allowed to name things anymore after that.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has shared:

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has shared:

Of course I wrote a grocery list. I carefully wrote it all down and then didn’t bring it with me, like my mother and her mother before her.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

Made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for isn’t one of them.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has downloaded:

Unemployed folks always have esoteric knowledge, for some reason.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has bookmarked:

I don’t like people driving fast—that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has viewed:

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Live now on TikTok:

Oasis didn’t just write good songs. They wrote the soundtrack for a whole generation.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

Trending via Reddit:

I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

Spotted on Instagram:

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

I hate when I finish a show and don’t know what to do with my life.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed.

Going viral on Slack:

Ignored the small door that appeared in my apartment three days ago, and now it’s gone. That’s how it’s done.

Shared recently on WeChat:

The thief who stole my iPhone could face time.

Trending via Discord:

Being bilingual means stuttering in both languages.

Just landed via X:

I’ve done the math and I regret to inform you I’m your soulmate.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

3 weeks ago

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Commentary:
"Keeping friends close and enemies at arm's length, just in case you need a good head squishing mime act! 🤏👤😂#SquishSquadGoals"

close, distance, forefinger, friendship, head, humor, i, keep, mime, preference, relationships, squishing, thumb

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11 shares on Threads this month:

The most dangerous part of your 50s is those first few steps after prolonged sitting.

10 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I can do a lot of things, but listening to someone chew is not one of them.

84 shares on Facebook this month:

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

20 shares on Twitch this month:

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

42 shares on Snapchat this month:

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.

51 shares on Threads this month:

Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem?

44 shares on WeChat this month:

There are 8 billion people in the world and I only have 3 friends, and one is annoying.

94 shares on X this month:

After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

92 shares on Twitch this month:

I just tried on my summer wardrobe. The only thing I managed to get into was a state of panic.

77 shares on Snapchat this month:

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

My bank account may not be full but my sink, laundry basket and arteries sure are.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

Digging my own grave, because I gotta do everything around here.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has viewed:

Sorry I zoned out during your story… my brain was offering me multiple side quests and overthinking opportunities.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has bookmarked:

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has bookmarked:

The sexual tension between me and the person I’m not supposed to have any sexual tension with.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has downloaded:

How can I be ready for the future when I’m not even ready to get up in the morning?

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

If you’re in first class on a flight, sometimes they upgrade you to captain.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has viewed:

Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Vote for me and I’ll remove all the calories from cheese.

Breaking via TikTok:

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Going viral on YouTube:

Sometimes you really do write a whole poem just to give one beautiful phrase a home.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

Just shared via TikTok:

I don’t give people directions. What if no one wants them there?

Making waves on X:

Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

Broadcasted on TikTok:

Going ballistic. Anyone need anything?

Going viral on YouTube:

Humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays.

Making waves on Reddit:

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Broadcasted on YouTube:

Currently accepting DMs from any man with a sturdy bunker on his property.

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Activity Log ✨

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

My greatest flaw is that I will try any specialty lemonade. 90% of them are nearly undrinkable, but I persevere.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

It’s finally actually Saturday after just thinking it was Saturday every day for the last five days.

I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.

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Activity Log ✨

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I’m glad I have boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me.

My greatest flaw is that I will try any specialty lemonade. 90% of them are nearly undrinkable, but I persevere.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

It’s finally actually Saturday after just thinking it was Saturday every day for the last five days.

I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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