If I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking, I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

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A clever man fills his wife’s closet with so many clothes that no other man can fit in.

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I’m not always annoying, sometimes I sleep too.

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The date abruptly ended over a disagreement on how to pronounce Gnocchi.

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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

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When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

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I’ll find a cell mate before I’ll ever find a soulmate.

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There’s nothing like the excitement of a brand-new book to add to the massive pile of books I still haven’t read.

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Almost all of my bad decisions are food-related.

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Welcome to my very loose interpretation of ‘functioning adult’.