If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating food, not from relationships.

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Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

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My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate.

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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

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Sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

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I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can’t find them.

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Golf would be more exciting to watch if they played naked.

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You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

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Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.