I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

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By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

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Oh, to live in simpler times, when there was nothing to do but sit by the seashore and contemplate the miracle of existence.

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You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

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I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

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I don’t want to “act young”. I just can’t be as “grown up” as others my age.

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Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

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I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they have a whole outside to themselves.

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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

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A guy who never leaves his apartment so he can get the maximum value out of his rent.

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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.