I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Someone from has viewed:

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

Someone from has copied:

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya, bud?

Someone from has downloaded:

Sometimes I don’t worry about things at all and other times I am awake.

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As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Someone from has copied:

Got my mind on my money and my money is nowhere to be found.

Someone from has copied:

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

Someone from has copied:

I might look calm, but in my head I’ve punched you in the face three times.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Someone from has viewed:

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Someone from has viewed:

When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn’t know that a warship was anchored there.