It’s strange being the same age as old people.

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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

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April fools prank: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.

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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for Martinis.

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Drink coffee, avoid idiots, read books and repeat.

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My friend and I had a running joke. She said, “Let’s do a marathon,” and then we both laughed.

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Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur.

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How about hold me as tight as you’re holding onto that grudge?

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Incredibly annoying that exercising, eating right, and drinking water can make you actually feel good.