I’ve got the nativity scene facing the TV, so baby Jesus can watch “Die Hard.”

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I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.

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Sleeping is nice, because you’re not actually dead and you’re not awake, so its a win-win situation.

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Only time I believe a man is when he tells me that I’m pretty.

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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

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That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you’re not home.

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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles.

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It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

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My therapist is fluffy and walks on four paws.

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It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

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Just spoke to my wife while the internet was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently.