Learning to be Alpha from YouTube.

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Doesn’t matter, Your Honor! I, for one, found it very funny.

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We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

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Everyone is getting idioter.

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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

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In a massage chair at the mall just moaning really loud.

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Giving people access to the internet was a massive mistake.

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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s.

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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles.

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I do not like FaceTime unless we’re best friends or I’m in love with you.