My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job.

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I suck at flirting. I be like “is that so?”

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The sexiest woman you know is trying to maintain her balance between insanity and genius.

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I’m only grumpy when I’m awake.

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I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot.

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Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

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Whoever invented the “skip intro” button really understood humans.

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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.