My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

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Can we normalize arguing with little kids? They’re so rude.

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“Yeah no” is my favorite combo.

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Unfortunately, I will continue to get sexier and funnier.

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Celery is depressing green water wafers.

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1994: I can’t wait to see what the world is like in 30 years. 2024: God no.

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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing, I was eligible for another prescription refill.

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I can’t date until the curse is lifted.

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The two types of video games are kill everything that moves and Microsoft Excel.

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I had a hard time coping with the divorce. I’m fine now, but at first I was almost crazy with joy.