My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun.

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Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh, fresh out the box.

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I like you because we hate the same people.

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Celebrities should not be allowed to name children.

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You ever have one of those days that require the use of both of your middle fingers?

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I have no beef with vegetarians.

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“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

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If hot showers aren’t good for you then why do I emerge from them bright red like a beautiful ruby?

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I enjoy long, romantic walks … to the departure gate.

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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

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Not to brag, but no one has ever accused me of trying too hard.