Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

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I hope I find $10,000 on the floor later.

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Hate Google’s Gemini. If I wanted to get misinformation from a Gemini, I’d talk to my mother.

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You know you’re mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.

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My house was clean yesterday. Sorry, you missed it.

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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

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When I was a young boy, the doctor told me I had a lazy eye. By the time I was 50, it had spread to the rest of my body.

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What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

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Which wine pairs best with WWIII?

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I was born to be wild, but only until around 9pm or so.

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That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.