Not going is the new leaving early.

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One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.

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Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

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Rage bait often works on me because I was already angry before I read that.

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Ever read a post multiple times, still tilt your head and whisper, “What?!”

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Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

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I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

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Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it.

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Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better.

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I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

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Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for diarrhea medicine.