Not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever, I’d probably give it my best shot.

31 shares on Pinterest this month:

Imagine hating on me and I’m just sitting there in the corner, in the spotlight, losing my religion.

47 shares on Slack this month:

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.

93 shares on Telegram this month:

This heat made me realize I won’t survive in hell, I gotta change.

39 shares on Snapchat this month:

Check yourself before you Shrek yourself.

25 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Call me Frankenstein the way I’m piecing it together.

12 shares on LinkedIn this month:

“This is a great weekend to clean out the garage,” according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage.

40 shares on Telegram this month:

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with, “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

33 shares on Discord this month:

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

56 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The husband, child, and dog are all snoring. WTF is this?

86 shares on Telegram this month:

Something very chic about crying while driving… have to keep it a little classy so you don’t crash… other drivers unaware a diva is down in the next lane over…