Nothing is more fake than my friendliness on the phone at work.

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In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day.

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I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

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After you do your laundry, you should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. No charge.

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Taking a sip of beer and letting out a big “ahhhh” so the pregnant lady at the pool next to me knows what she’s missing.

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Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

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Jesus, I need money to organize your birthday.

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No email needs to tell me not to reply.

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I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”, because if it was a good morning, I’d still be asleep.

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I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

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I put the ‘no’ in ‘I will let u know’.