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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ด has bookmarked:

I have some fart jokes Iโ€™ve been holding in.

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Iโ€™m not gaining weight, Iโ€™m retaining candy.

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A middle finger hits different when your nails are done.

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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare. My milk expired while I was waiting in line.

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Who called it a Cybertruck and not a Deplorean?

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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

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Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

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I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift.

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I’m a pocket full of sunshine, not your dumping ground for grumpiness.

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Grab your own butt! Love yourself!

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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Commentary:
"WeightWatchers website be like: 'Do you accept cookies?' ๐Ÿช Well played, WeightWatchers, well played! Like, obviously I accept cookies โ€“ the real question is how many can I have without breaking my diet? ๐Ÿ˜‚ #SneakyButSmart"



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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ต has bookmarked:

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords.

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I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am Monday morning.

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Love is like a bird. Sometimes flying around me but then moving on.

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My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”.

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The art of today’s art is to persuade people that it’s art.

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Hey man, be careful on the trampoline, one of my buddies never came back down.

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She’s a 10, but she says ‘Orwellian’ when it’s clearly ‘Kafkaesque”.

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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

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Men, why do you still have the boxes your electronics came in?