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I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

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I just need to get over everything that has happened to me in my entire life and then we can hang out.

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My day starts backwards, I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

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Thank you, God, for another day. Let’s get this 12-hour screen time.

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This is my phone. I text back when I want to.

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At the beginning of a relationship, people call their partner’s odd behavior “cute little quirks”. Some years later, the police call it “motive”.

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Iโ€™m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

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You should be able to google why a couple broke up.

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Mashed potatoes are just German guacamole.

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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Commentary:
"Ah, the struggle of aging in the digital age! ๐Ÿ˜… Navigating online forms becomes a full-on endurance race, complete with a mandatory pit stop for a power nap. ๐Ÿ’ค Who knew that entering your birth year could feel like running a marathon? ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ Don't worry, you're not alone in this hilarious hurdle of maturity!"



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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ฒ has copied:

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later havenโ€™t been making enough effort eating.

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Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

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Guys with grey in their beards will do that thing you like.

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Most guys probably just have a foot fetish because their first girlfriend was a sock.

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Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies. Worth every penne.

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Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

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The best part of Thanksgiving is being with family and friends, and a vast array of pies.

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Why are plane tickets so expensive? Youโ€™re going that way anyway, just give me a ride.

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Someone needs to press pause on this weekend.

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