Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

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I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe.

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You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

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Who called it a heatwave and not a temperature tantrum?

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We all have that person who insists on using a blanket on the couch, no matter the weather.

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Nothing tops a plain pizza.

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Don’t buy me flowers. A bouquet of KitKats will suffice.

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I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.

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I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas.

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I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

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Someone taking your parking space at your own home is a different type of anger.