Sleep is a beautiful thing. You don’t miss anyone, you can’t do anything wrong and you simply feel nothing.

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I kind of miss when people stood 6 feet away.

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I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

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Kim Kardashian wants her ashes to be scattered in the sea after her death. As if there wasn’t enough plastic there already.

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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

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I just want peace, not a notification every time someone breathes.

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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die, just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

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“You’re such a stalker!” God forbid a woman wants to know more about her future husband.