Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has viewed:

I deserve a percentage of your pay if you ever stole any swag from me.

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You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

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Starting conversations with short people by saying “back when I was your height…”

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My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

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Tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

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At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

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My fondest childhood memory is being able to sleep through the entire night and waking up rested.

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If you ever feel like something’s missing in your life, it’s probably me.

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You know who else works in mysterious ways? Me.

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I said it was my favorite show, I didn’t say it was good.