Stop worrying if people like you. They don’t.

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I’m just here to make you wish I wasn’t.

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For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

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Doesn’t matter if the chicken or the egg came first. Still a weird thing to just appear.

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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

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One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.

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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

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If I text you at 8:10, you’re supposed to reply at 8:09.

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What a strange day. And it has been for years.

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Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.