Sunday is my favorite day where I pretend I’m going to do something productive.

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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

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Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

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I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

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Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

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Me, waiting on an email: What the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous. Me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so.

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“You never text back.” No, I be reading texts from the notification bar, then forget to text back.

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I’m obsessed with adding a second completely unnecessary tweet to all my tweets, like, oh, you thought I was done.

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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

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Jackie Chan used to say “I don’t want trouble“ and then break everybody’s legs.

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Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, the poor and unemployed, the prostitutes. So, in a way, by being on Twitter, we’re like Jesus.