The human body is amazing. One half-open eye and the brain under emergency power are enough to make coffee.

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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

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If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

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The problem is that younger me didn’t account for the fact that there’d be an older me.

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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other.

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I wish I could get a bouquet of mozzarella sticks.

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Uninstalling Instagram can increase your IQ by 10%.

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When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person, the whole family has to get involved.

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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

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Introverts have fun, too — we just don’t care if you know.

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Alexa, turn off the planet.