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I really want to be nice, but annoying people just won’t let me.

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My favorite game is guessing if my headache is due to dehydration, migraine, malnutrition, stress, lack of sleep, poor posture, or a brain tumor.

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My first thought upon waking up in the morning is “not again”.

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Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.

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I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

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The human body is amazing. One half-open eye and the brain under emergency power are enough to make coffee.

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Kendrick inspires me to be a bigger, deeper, more passionate hater.

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Hot singles in your area! They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

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I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier.

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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.