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Arguing through text will have you standing in one spot for 40 mins.

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Memories are a bit fuzzy – but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

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The best proof that fairy tales are fictional is the fact that the prince is always an intelligent and handsome single man.

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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

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As I’m cleaning my room, this is a friendly reminder that you actually don’t need that free t-shirt or tote bag from that event.

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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

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Glasses don’t make you look smart, everyone knows you had to fail a test to get them.

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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

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It’s way too easy to lie online. I was just telling Beyoncé about that the other day.

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

718 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,880

Funny Quotes Topics

13,862

Funny Quotes Images

10,880

52 minutes ago

3,421

Social Media Log

Just shared via Reddit:

Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix.

Live now on Instagram:

Does anyone else feel like their brain has a hundred tabs open at once?

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

You befriend a guy and a few days later he’s like “I wanna talk to you about something”. Please, God, let it be about the economy.

Spotted on Telegram:

Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.

Making waves on Facebook:

Sometimes the laugh is funnier than the joke itself.

Making waves on Telegram:

My rapper name would be 2 stressd.

Just shared via Telegram:

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Spotted on Telegram:

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Going viral on Pinterest:

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores.

6 months ago

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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores.

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Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old wisdom of parental psychology: Want your kid to magically become motivated to do homework? Just mention chores! It's amazing how the promise of algebra suddenly makes folding laundry seem like the better option. #ParentingHack"

ask, chores, help, homework, humor, kid, motivation, parenting, procrastination

Related Funny Quotes

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework? Vodka!
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework. You can’t have both.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

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6 months ago
Share → : One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan.
6 months ago
Share → : I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
5 months ago
Share → : I wish British people had subtitles so I knew what they are on about.
2 months ago
Share → : Stretching is not enough. I need to be rolled through a pasta machine.

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Welcome to Wordgag! Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up.

Trending Funny Quotes

Should I ever be mean and insulting, then it comes from the bottom of my heart.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My favorite thing to do at the gym is stay home and eat a piece of cake.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Hot Funny Quotes

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Australia is like someone’s still playing Jumanji.
Shazam, but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me.
In honor of Charles Dickens, I will also be poor this Christmas.
Revenge has no expiry date. I will deal with you when I’m ready.

Trending Topics

activity communication day food fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media need people procrastination relationship sarcasm social someone technology think time want work

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

718 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,880

Funny Quotes Topics

13,862

Funny Quotes Images

10,880

52 minutes ago

3,417

Funny Quotes of the Month

Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.
I’m a freak in the spreadsheets.
Sometimes somebody will share something from way back in my timeline, and I’ll think, “Oh God, what all did they see to get there?”
Just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun.
I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

Funny Quotes of the Year

Another beautiful day, ruined by responsibility.
Oh, you like NYC? Name every rat.
At the first signs of a sore throat, you should be given the option of just skipping four days into the future.
Getting paid to sleep would be such a dream job.
I’m sorry for inventing the universe.

Activity Log

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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

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Scrolling the feed as a mature person, not judging anybody.

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Spell your crush’s name backwards, mine is yenom.

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Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

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I have noticed something quite worrying: after I buy more things I have less money.

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I have no need to judge people because of their religion, skin color or sexual orientation. Bad behavior is enough for me.

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Sorry for widening my eyes and whispering “The prophecy” when we first met.

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Tip on how best to start a conversation with me: Not at all.

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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

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Monday? But, I wasn’t even finished with Saturday yet.

Social Media Log

Reported on Snapchat:

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Spotted on Messenger:

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Just shared via Twitch:

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Making waves on Telegram:

People who work in retail should be allowed to slap a customer or two each Christmas, as a little treat.

Seen just now on Instagram:

I was hoping to age like a fine wine, but I sort of feel more like an avocado.

Going viral on Telegram:

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Seen just now on Facebook:

Nothing is impossible, except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Spreading quickly via YouTube:

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Just landed via Pinterest:

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

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