They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year.

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I modeled my morning routine on the humble rooster. Wake up, scream, wander around.

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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” I was taken aback, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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“Grey” is a better spelling than “gray” because “e” is a greyer letter than “a.” I will not elaborate.

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If you know karate, you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

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Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?

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How bad can a decision really be if nobody from the future shows up to stop you?

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I want Wolverine claws. Not for violence or anything. I want them for easing my way through reality. Like opening an Amazon package.

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Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

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Sleeping in is the most efficient way to find out which morning rituals you can actually do without.