Time is precious, waste it wisely.

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Lounging under the stars is top-tier therapy.

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Cows are very calm, considering the whole floor is food to them.

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Don’t talk to me about regrets if you’ve never had someone’s name tattooed on you.

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I would do absolutely anything for my friends, except answer their text messages.

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Playing dumb for five minutes often saves a lot of work.

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Even at my most evil, I’m considerate.

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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

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They were called “TV programs” because they were literally programming us, bro.

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There is no bigger day for microwaves than the 26th day of December. This is their Olympics.

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“This isn’t going to end well for you.” Me, alone in the house, to the cake on the counter.