To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that.

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The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

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Me leaving the house: I hope I don’t see anyone.

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I always wonder who makes a more stupid face: women putting on make-up or men shaving?

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Even wild things have slow mornings.

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I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

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Men be like “I would do anything for you” and then do nothing.

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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

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Let’s play a game called you bring me food and I eat it.

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To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

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An introvert walked into a bar. Just kidding. The introvert stayed home.