Turning regret into ulcers since the day I was born.

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Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

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Of course your crush is going to leave their spouse for you. That’s how delusions work.

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Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

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The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.

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Baby, we believe in God around here, I don’t care what’s trending these days.

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Science has enough bodies, I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit.

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Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk.

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I think it’s clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like.

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At this point, I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!

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I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.