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Second day without coffee. I can no longer hear out of my left eye.

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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

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Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better.

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They should invent a January that doesn’t drain your will to live.

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Traveling back in time to proudly inform Benjamin Franklin that my stove has wifi.

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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: “Girl, those vitamins can’t help you now.”

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Drive like no one is watching.

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Babies first steal your glasses and then bite your nose. I don’t know where they get their reputation.

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Someone needs to invent a kid that listens the first time.

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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.