A wise man once said: “Yes, darling. You’re right.”

Someone from 🇺🇬 has copied:

I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.

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A peaceful transition of power happening between me and this cigarette just now.

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Sorry I missed your call. I saw that you were calling and immediately threw my phone into an active volcano.

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Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with her.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.