Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

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You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

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We really grew up in the best era to be a kid, and the worst era to be an adult.

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Sorry, I’m late. I got here when I wanted to.

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Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

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Men will ask you zero questions about yourself, and then say they never met anybody like you.

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Currently looking for tickets for the first flight back to the ’90s.

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Real lovers are currently single, by the way.

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I didn’t ghost you, I saved you from me.

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I’ve walked the walk, but nowadays I just sit the sit.

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My toxic trait is thinking I deserve a break after sending one email.