Note to self: No more bitching about ugly furniture with people at IKEA whose home you haven’t been to yet.

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

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I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

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It’s romantic to fall in love during the collapse of society.

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I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

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The only thing worse than children talking about sex is adults talking about politics.

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Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

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You should be able to google what someone said to you at the bar last night.

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Half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer.