“Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight!” Okay, then explain bayonets to me.

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Hey, sorry I can’t go out tonight. I already showered and got into bed, and now I’m busy rubbing my feet together like a little grasshopper.

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November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

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Cashews are my favorite because they’re salty and hunched over just like me.

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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

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Not all people have bad neighbors. The ones next door have a great one.

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Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

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First you’re cringe, then you’re the blueprint.

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Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

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Ironically people who are good at giving advice find it difficult to follow their own.

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I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services.