If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

55 shares on Pinterest this month:

Outfit repeater. Meal repeater. Movie rewatcher. I know what I like.

75 shares on Snapchat this month:

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

81 shares on Pinterest this month:

Whoever came up with a 30 minute lunch break needs a 30 minute beating.

32 shares on Threads this month:

If a portal opened up in front of me, I’d go in—no questions asked.

67 shares on Reddit this month:

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at a cheeseburger.

10 shares on Messenger this month:

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

57 shares on Pinterest this month:

My mom always used to tell me that I look cute when I sleep. My boss has a different opinion.

52 shares on Discord this month:

When my sister drives, I am NOT passenger princess, I am a survivor.

21 shares on Facebook this month:

Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you are bad luck.

35 shares on Twitch this month:

I wish I lived in a sitcom, and my friends just barged into my apartment uninvited.