My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

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My company promotes diversity. We’d never hire twins.

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Your first non-broke girlfriend will change your whole perspective about relationships.

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I have a drawer in my kitchen that I can’t open anymore because of that one time I decided to put a spatula in it.

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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

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If you’re going through hell, keep going.

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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel.

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When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.