Lasagna has never broken my heart. Just saying.

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We all got a little Barbie in us (the microplastics).

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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a TikTok video filmed inside their car.

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Commenting “what about us?” on all Valentine pics this year.

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Most guys probably just have a foot fetish because their first girlfriend was a sock.

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Texting my boss from the job I got laid off from 5 months ago and telling him I have diarrhea.

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Bored as hell. Anyone want to emotionally manipulate each other?

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Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race, the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

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You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

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Her: how are you still single? Me: it’s easier than you think.