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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇳🇵 has shared:

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has shared:

I’m already spoiled… please don’t come into my life trying to unspoil me.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has shared:

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

Discovered a new coping mechanism called lashing out and making your loved ones resent you.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has bookmarked:

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day, we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

Being single for Valentine’s Day is way better than being in the wrong relationship.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has bookmarked:

At the dispensary asking which strain will stop the yearning.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has copied:

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has copied:

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

772 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,934

Funny Quotes Topics

13,908

Funny Quotes Images

10,934

Updated

45 minutes ago

Users Online

3,431

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Instagram:

I enjoy the freedom of speech, because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Spotted on Telegram:

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Trending via Messenger:

Not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after I planted the seeds in the first place.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Relationship status: I’m the only one wearing my hoodies.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Mike is short for Micycle.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Just landed via Twitch:

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Shared recently on Slack:

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Going viral on TikTok:

If trees offered Wi-Fi, we would plant more of them. Too bad they only produce this oxygen thing.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Establish dominance by showing up with all your childhood trophies.

I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.

1 week ago

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Commentary:
Guess I missed my calling as a professional couch tester 😂🛋️🧠

health, humor, i, joke, mental, mental health, patient, potential, psychology, self-deprecation, study, wanted

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇪 has bookmarked:

So, you’re telling me I’m just supposed to get up every day and keep living like this? Seems like a scam to me.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

When is this robot army coming to take my job?

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has shared:

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

Someone from 🇰🇷 has copied:

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has viewed:

Adulting is realizing Monday is a better “off day” than Friday.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

I bought a watermelon and all I can think about is filling it with vodka.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has downloaded:

Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has downloaded:

Never get in between a girl and her fries. It’s just common sense really.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time.

Seen just now on TikTok:

“I’m still young”, I tell myself, as my knees make popping noises while standing up.

Just shared via Threads:

My favorite part about summer is when I get to go back inside where it’s air conditioned.

Just shared via Instagram:

I’m drinking coffee so I don’t say mean things to you. You’re welcome.

Shared recently on Telegram:

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Yes, I make bad decisions when I’m drunk. But I wouldn’t say that the decisions I make when I’m sober are any better.

Just landed via WeChat:

Bugs Bunny taught me that my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

Your honor, if it pleases the court, I brought homemade brownies for everyone.

Just landed via YouTube:

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Spotted on WhatsApp:

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

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I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Most men will receive their first bunch of flowers at their funeral.

I’ve done the math: If the month had 10 days, I would get by with my money.

Don’t rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

If I say, “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared peer-reviewed research, data, and charts, and I will destroy you.

Summer is the time when it’s too hot to do what it was too cold to do in winter.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Suicide is never the answer, you gotta outlive your enemies.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.

I told ChatGPT about us.

I can’t explain how it works, but one day, you just wake up and like sauerkraut.

Welcome to your 40s. Your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

No crypto for me, thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

Uh oh, said somethin’ weird. Better fix it by saying something even weirder.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

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I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.

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