Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

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Not just anyone can be cremated. You have to urn it.

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Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

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I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.

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The advantage of being an identical twin: you only need one gym contract.

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I believe my ex-wife is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

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I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

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Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen.

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A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

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Do you know how much trauma it took to be this funny?